Sexplain It Live: I Don’t Want to Go Down on My Wife If She Refuses to Reciprocate

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Sexplain It Live: I Don’t Want to Go Down on My Wife If She Refuses to Reciprocate

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.

This is the transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by sex and cannabis writer Sophie Saint Thomas—author of the new book Sex Witch: Magickal Spells for Love, Lust, and Self-Protectionto answer a bunch of your sex and relationship questions.

sexplain it graphic

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I’ve tried a bunch of different types of CBD lube, and it hasn’t done anything for me. What is it supposed to do or feel like?

SST: My first question would be is if this is someone with a penis because that could be why it’s not working. For a cannabis topical, like lube, you need mucus membranes in order to absorb the CBD. So that means you have to use it in your vagina or butthole. So if you do have a penis and you want to experience a reduction in inflammation, increased blood flow—because cannabis is a vasodilator—if you have a penis, you have to put it up your butt! And I highly recommend doing so because it’s awesome. Also, you know I love CBD, I wrote an entire book about it, but if you’re someone who isn’t feeling the effects of CBD, then go for the THC, man.

ZZ: Yeah, one thing that’s worth pointing out, as CBD lube is seemingly so popular right now, is that if you put it on your penis to have sex, it’s going to do nothing for you. It really is for your partner, to help them relax and help with any pain or inflammation.

So what is the best way to incorporate cannabis into your sex life?

SST: I get that question a lot and it’s a little tricky. I like to say that it’s not off the rack. This isn’t like, “Oh, I wear a size four. I’m going to grab a size four.” This is couture. This is very couture because all our sexual needs are really different. I’m someone who kind of runs very high. Like Adderall just makes me explode, and I have some sexual trauma. So when I’m looking for cannabis to enhance my sex life, I want something relaxing, that’s calming and grounding and will keep me in the moment. But for instance, my partner, who is dominant, notices that the cannabis I use doesn’t work well for him. He needs something a little bit more uplifting, that lowers his inhibitions, and that can maybe help with creativity for new role-playing scenarios.

The best way to find out what works for you is to experiment. I personally love edibles, but they can last for like six hours and take up to two hours to kick in. So you really have to kind of plan for it.

I go down on my wife, but she doesn’t go down on me. Is that fair?

SST: I mean on paper, it doesn’t sound fair, but sex is complicated. We all have different needs and desires. I’m curious. Why does she not? Does she have shame around it or just really doesn’t like it or has trauma? I feel like I’m going to say something problematic, just like, you deserve to get your dick sucked.

ZZ: But you do deserve to get your dick sucked. Um… no, I guess it’s not fair, but life isn’t fair. That’s not the right question. The issue here is: I would like to get head from my wife. She does not want to do it. How do I go about getting head? When you start making a list of everything that I’ve done for my wife and here’s everything that she’s done for me, and it’s not equal, that’s not a healthy way to approach a relationship because everyone has specific different needs.

So the question of “Is this fair?” is the wrong question to ask. I don’t know exactly how you’ve spoken to your wife about this so far, but I would bring it up in a way that’s separate from you going down on her. So ask, “Hey, is there an opportunity for you to go down on me before we have sex?” and see what she says.

Because you can ask what it is about it that she doesn’t like, and then see if there’s an easy solution. Maybe you want a blowjob after coming home from the gym and your balls are all sweaty and gross, and no, she doesn’t want to blow you then. So maybe the solution is showering beforehand. Or you know, maybe she doesn’t really love it, but she does it for a minute because a minute is not the end of the world. As long as she doesn’t have some trauma or any triggers surrounding the behavior, it’s like, okay, she can do it for a minute.

But I think the key here is in the approach and the way that you speak to your wife.

Can you just tell us a little bit about CBD and THC suppositories?

SST: Yeah, of course. I would recommend the brand Foria. They make all types of suppositories for vaginas and menstrual cramps and pain. But my favorite is to use them anally. I am a THC girl. If I can get my hands on a product with CBD and THC, I’m always going to go for that just because I find it more effective. I don’t get a high off of it, but I may put a suppository in after I’ve cleaned myself out and then put a butt plug up there to kind of hold it and absorb all of it. It helps with pain relief, but I like a little pain, you know, so it’s not a numbing cream, which can get you into trouble [with anal fissures]. Cannabis suppositories just make sex more comfortable. I don’t know; I just really love shoving weed up my ass!

ZZ: I mean, I get it.

SST: Zach, I have seen you use a [cannabis] suppository up your ass—

ZZ: And on that note, we are out of time!

watch the full conversation here:

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Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment.

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